Here is an actual conversation that took place on the streets of Hollywood today. It is between myself (Represented here by ME) and Some Random Asshole (Or SRA). First, a little set-up:

I standing out front of my work smoking a cigarette with a co-worker. Some random asshole wearing a "I Love God Because He's God and Blah Blah Blah" shirt came up to me and stared at me for a moment. I felt I should say something. So using one of the many witty remarks I keep stashed in the back of my mind, I faced the person and said:

Me: Yes?

SRA: Why do you smoke?

This caught me off-guard. I've been asked this question before and it usually resorted in me making some rambling excuse of being an addict and I like the way it tastes and it keeps me from drowning kittens in my bathtub. But that's usually reserved for friends, family, or casual acquaintances. But when some random ass(hole) comes up and starts butting into my personal life... I dunno. Rubs me the wrong way.

So let me finish the story by re-capping slightly.

Me: Yes?

SRA: Why do you smoke?

(beat)

Me: Uhh... because I'm on fire?

This is when I licked my fingertip, touched my chest, and went, "Tss! Oww!" I think I threw in a hip thrust or two.

The person stared back at me for a moment, then must have realized that was all they were getting out of me, because they just shook their head and walked away.

I turned to my co-worker and shrugged.

Me: I think I handled that pretty well.

The SRA guy came back around a bit later trying to sell us chocolate for some Jesus-related purpose. I told her I couldn't eat chocolate because I was diabetic and that chocolate could mess up my blood sugar and that I didn't really have diabetes but I did a lot of heroin and that involved needles too, right?

The person proceed to stare at me for a moment. So I licked my fingertip and touched my chest again, adding, "Oww! Still on fire!"

And that's how you deal with meandering, meddling, candy-shuckin' Jesus freaks in Hollywood ladies and gentlemen.

I realize that this story probably has no point, but if I were to try to drag some moral or meaning from it, I'd have to say:

"Don't ever let anybody tell you that you're not hot. Because if you think you are, then you are."

I think that's a message of hope everybody can believe in.

Tss. Oww!