Ladies and gentleman... I have returned.

You may be thinking to yourself, "What exactly is the best butter substitute?" to which I must say... for eating purposes nothing tops margarine, but for a personal lubricant, I prefer the blood of right-wing, Bible-thumping sycophants.

Now that we have that out of the way, I would like to apologize for my lack-of-postingitudiosity. You see... Something happened to me the past year... I became an adult. Not just age-wise (Although now I can legally rent a car or kill a hooker in self-defense), but personality-wise as well.

Now don't get scared, I'm not going to start talking about how to invest in a good IRA or why Garrison Keillor is single-handedly responsible for causing cancer amongst small woodland creatures (And believe me, I have the data to back this up). However, I think I do have a more refined and steady outlook on life now. And I can sum it up as thus:

Growing up sucks big, fat, bloated donkey nuts. But it also kind of rocks.

You have to take the good with the bad, an old wise man once said (It was either Natalie or Tootie, can't really remember), and growing up requires a healthy dose of both of these things. Responsibility is a double-edged sword, but it's a double-edged sword that occasionally will let you get drunk at party and dance with a porn star and not get reprimanded by your mom by saying she was "unclean" and you now have the spawn of Satan residing in your lower-belly. Or something like that.

Since I'm a huge fan of making lists (Some things never change no matter how old you get... that and my love for parenthetical side notes), I would like to present to you... my "Pros and Cons of Responsibility". I hope you enjoy.

The Pros (a.k.a. "The Good Stuff")

1.) You get to stay up as late as you want. I have actually been awake for the past two years, but I don't like to brag about it. Just like I don't like to brag about my gigantic penis (It's massive, by the way).

2.) You can eat, drink, smoke, or fuck whoever/whatever you want whenever you want! Who's going to tell you otherwise?! Huh?! That little heart murmur! Fuck that! I'll murmur a death-threat in it's fucking face! Yeah!

3.) You don't live with your parents anymore. Some of you may say, "But when you live with your parents, you usually get free food and rent, right?" True, but until you've moved out of your parent's house, you'll never truly know what "privacy" is. Believe me. Every trip back home for Christmas has just been a reminder of how glad I am to live by myself. Seriously, I'm like one stepped removed of getting a cabin in the woods so I can spend the rest of my days in peace and quiet. I mean, I'm not going to let life distract me in my quest to send out as many mail bombs to the cast members of "Beverly Hills 90210" (You hear that, Ian Ziering? You're a fucking dead man!).

The Cons (a.k.a. "The Bad Stuff" a.k.a. "Michael Vick")

1.) Rent, gas, food, hookers, cocaine... Life tends to be very expensive. Which means:

2.) You have to have a fucking job. Scratch that... You have to have job security which means you can hop from job to job because you might go a week or two without a paycheck and Andromeda at Uncle Spanky's Nut Farm doesn't give lap dances for food stamps (Believe me... I've asked). So basically you have to stick with the job, get that consistent paycheck, and keep yourself knee-deep in poontang. And food, since you need that to live or something.

3.) The loneliness. I've been far too busy making money at my job to really have too much of a social life. That means while I might be well-fed and my lap properly danced upon... at he end of the day I'm still going to bed alone. Now one could say it's because I'm a fatty-fatty-two-by-four and that I have the grooming habits of a dyslexic shit-shoveler named Earl, but I think it's because I don't try enough.

That's right, ladies and gentleman... I may be all growed up, but I'm still bitching about the lack of love in my life. Some things will never change.

So it's a new year (Or as the natives call it, The New Year) and I have decided to make a few resolutions for the year... And here they are in Super Duper Action List Form! (Copyright 2008 ME... so don't try to take it, Japan!)

1.) I'm going to finish my book. Yes, this is the same book I've been working on for God knows how long... But I will finish it this year. I'm so close too. All I have to do is finish my research on the female orgasm in relation to Brad Pitt and washing machines, and the book will be DONE!

2.) I'm going to update more often. I know I always say this, but I've found that I miss the blogosphere (Even though I never really considered this too much of a blog). I promise to make one update a week. They may not always be brilliant (Like this one so clearly is), but they will be... updates.

3.) I'm going to fall in love. And somebody is going to fall in love with me. And then we will both be in love. And therefore... be lovers. Because I didn't buy this queen-sized bed for the stretching room. I bought it for the cuddling space it affords.

So ladies... look out. I'm a man on a mission, a man on the prowl, and I am armed to the teeth with semi-decent looks, a good sense of humor, a little charm, and a shitload of GHB.

Love is in the air... can you smell it? Smells like latex gloves! Aww yeah!