So before I begin this entry, I'd just like to mention this recent story:

Steve Irwin Dead

Now, I know that this is supposed to be a humorous site, and that I should probably tease the hell out of Irwin while making some sort of joke involving the word "Krikey!"... but... fuck you. You heartless fucks.

Steve Irwin, hyperactive nature aside, was a man that did something very special for the world. He showed us a world that most of us would never get the chance to see. He showed us the beauty of nature. He informed and entertained at the same time. And his enthusiasm for nature was... well... infectious.

I hold Mr. Irwin up with the same regard one would with say... Jacques Costeau or... Dian Fossey. He took the risks that nobody else would to try and help us understand the world around us a little better. He never brought politics or religion into it... He just presented the world as it was.

And occasionally... he'd wrestle a crocodile.

Steve left behind a wife and two children. As easy as it would be to rip into the guy... he was a family man. He loved his wife very much (Which was apparent on his show), and his children. So... Over-excited Australian or not... He was also a father and a husband.

My condolences go to the Irwin family (As if they read this site) and those who were close to this man. He will be sorely missed, and I completely forgive him for that really bad movie he did (I'm sorry, I had to get at least one joke in there).

Anyway... onto the bulk of the entry:

PORN LIES TO US!!!

I know what you're all thinking: "How the fuck can this guy assume to know what we're all thinking!" Well, I do! So hah!

I take a very clinical approach to most things in life. If I get interested in a subject, I want to learn as much about it as possible. When I got into horror films, I wanted to learn how they did make-up effects. When I saw a space shuttle launch, I informed myself how they made the big metal thing fly in the air a bunch.

And so recently I decided to read about a subject that's been near and dear to my heart for years: Pornography.

I figured one way to research this was to watch every pornographic film ever made. But that would be impossible, based both on the number of adult films made a year (Roughly 8 billion) as well as the crippling arthritis which would set into my wrist.

So instead, I've been reading a lot of biographical and non-fiction books on the subject. I've been watching such documentaries as Inside Deep Throat and Wadd: The Life and Times of John C. Holmes.

And what insightful information have I gleaned from my research?

PORN LIES TO US!

Seriously! Did you know that these people were being paid to fuck on screen!?! They weren't doing it as a public service to the perpetually lonely or for the sheer fun of it! These are paid actors!

I don't know about you, but that completely takes all eroticism out of pornography to me. I mean, you're gonna' lead me to believe that thirteen horny cheerleaders didn't just happen to stumble into the group of well-hung bikers on their way to the big rally and decide to blow them all out of the goodness of their hearts?!?! I'm crestfallen!

These days it seems like you can't rely on anything to be true. Heroes fail us, politicians lie to us, and then one day you find out that women don't like objects roughly the size of parking cones shoved up their cooters. What's next? Is somebody going to tell me that Santa Claus doesn't exist or something?

Anyway, I guess the point that I'm trying to get at is... These days people need something to believe in. Even if it is two girls going down each other while a midget circles them on a pogo stick, there has to be something we can put our emotional weight into. And it seems like it's getting harder and harder and... Oh! Sorry... I had some research on in the background.

So to wrap things up, all I'm going to say is that sometimes we need to put our faith and trust in something, even if it isn't something that is necessarily true. Some people turn to God, some people idolize their favorite TV star (For me, I'll always adore Joey "Woah" Lawrence), but the one remaining constant is that we all need something to turn to in times of need.

Lucky for me, I'll always have Santa Claus.

Hold on... somebody's calling me.

Oh! It's my mom! Hey mom, what....

What....?

You....?

For how long?

OH MY GOD! NO!

On the next episode of Fucktitles:

SANTA CLAUS IS A BIG, FAT COCKSUCKER!