Hey guys... Sorry about the lack of updating. I moved recently and have been doing fun stuff like... Moving... and... Trying to find work...

Anyway... I have a new short story I wanted to share... It's called "Names". And if it sucks, I blame my poor upbringing. Enjoy. (This story is for Jenn, by the way... because it just is)

I knew this guy named Evan once. He used to spell it “Eeeeeeevvvaaannnn”... mostly because he could afford it.

The stock market collapsed around 2017. Most of our natural resources were depleted. Oil and gasoline were basically… Well… Forget about them. We lost those first. People say that the president caused this all to happen… You know, I don’t really feel like getting into the politics of the whole situation. Sure, he had a hand in making everything going to hell, but I guess at the end of the day throwing around blame is about as useful and productive as putting tits on the Titanic. I should also note that during the flood of 2012, we lost all records of similes and metaphors and are currently trying to build them back up. So... sorry for the lame "Titanic" remark.

So anyway... We thought we were screwed. We really thought that we would be out of food and water within a year. But luckily, when things got rough, science came through for us. They created a viable food source using only asparagus and root beer. They created electric cars that could fly. They discovered a more radical way to recycle, boiling down old waste and creating new products… Bowls, plates, napkins… Which made eating difficult at first, but as long as you don't think of your plate being made from dirty diapers you get by. Everybody was able to eat again, and drive around, and not destroy the environment. And the best part of it all was it was all free.

Suffice to say, the rich people in our world were pissed.

They needed something to prove their worth, something that would be worth buying. But all goods and services were free, how could you compete with that? How could you become a capitalist in a Utopian society? How in the hell were the rich supposed to get our money?

Yeah, there was still money. Only because there were a few things that we couldn’t find a safe and healthy alternative for. I’m not going into the details of who or what those services are, but let’s just say that Bill Gates has no trouble sleeping at night.

So it meant we had money, and the rich people wanted it, because they’re rich and that’s what rich people do… Take our money… And act all rich and stuff... and.... rich...

I’d like to take this moment to retract my previous statement about not getting into the politics of this situation. I am going to get into the politics of this situation. I’d rather not, but the way everything played out... I don't really have a choice.

The president is heavily influenced by the members of his cabinet.

This is common knowledge.

The members of the cabinet are heavily influenced by the word of the people.

This is bullshit.

The thing they are most heavily influenced by is money. The rich knew that there was one thing that everybody had to have, and with a little help from the government, they could all become very wealthy from it.

Our names.

On December 12th, 2022, Congress passed a bill that said that we were to be charged for every letter in our names. People who already had names were to pay up immediately, the dead were to be taxed, and whenever a new infant was born… Well… Hospital bills got a bit steeper.

At first people balked at the idea of having to pay for their names. They protested, claimed that it was unfair and an infringement upon their First Amendment rights. The politicians countered that free speech was still intact. They went as far to say that it would be stronger than ever. You could name yourself “Dirty Little Cocksucker” just as long as you were ready to pay the $10,000 bill for having so many vowels in your name.

That’s the way it was set up. Vowels cost more than consonants, consonants cost more than numbers. If you were poor, and your name was Zeke or Barrett, you’d probably change your name to Bart, or Z3k3.

And not all vowels cost the same. The rich bastards thoroughly researched this, and they found out which letters are most commonly used in names. A’s don’t cost as much as U’s, but if your name has more than four E’s in it, you’ll probably be taking out a second mortgage on your house just to afford it.

I wish I could say this was all aimed towards rebuild our economy. I wish I could say it was so that we could repair our damaged country. But I can’t….

It turned into a type of social posturing. Rich people named “Teeeeeerrriii” and “Jaaaaaaammmmiiiieeeeeeeeeee” would go to upscale clubs with names like “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” or if they were feeling like slumming it, “OOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Black market names started popping all up all over the place. People walked around with their 37-letter names like they were royalty, but you could tell that they were posers. It’s like a guy who wears a large gold medallion around his chest. The only people who are impressed by stuff like that are other vain, shallow idiots… But I guess that’s the type of crowd they’re trying to attract.

Those of us who are just getting by with four or five-lettered names that only contain the minimum number of vowels needed to connect the consonants… We’re happy. And we’re not the only ones. Many famous people are protesting the bill, calling it immoral and encouraging of segregation. Billy Ray Cyrus changed his name to Bill Ray in protest. And Cher… well… She didn’t change our name, but she insists that’s part of her protest. We all think she’s just cheap.

People have started up protest groups. Most of them have short names like “UNF” (Unfair Name Fighters) and “FAP” (Foreigners Against Peoplewhohavelongnames), but they’re growing. Pretty soon, the government is going to have their hands full with a bunch of pissed of people with names like “B.B.” and “T.J.”

I’m writing this down in the hopes that society will learn from our mistakes. Call me a dreamer (Or John Lennon, either one will do), but I kind of liked it when everybody had free names, free food… Free everything. I liked it better when we were getting along, but I guess some people are happier not being into the same group as everybody else.

I only take a few consolations from these events taking place. I am glad, because they showed me my true nature, as well as the true nature of the people around me (I’m talking to you, Eeeeeeevvvaaannnn). I’m glad that not everybody is so completely conceited that they feel they have to prove their wealth. And I’m grateful that something like this probably won’t happen again, especially since the president was eaten by that dinosaur.

Wait... I told you about the dinosaurs coming back, didn't I? No? Oh… well… Suffice to say… They weren’t happy to see us.