I'm a good guy, you know? I may not be very "confident", or "good-looking"... Or "legally sane," but what I've got, I like to flaunt.

So I'd like to flaunt one of my better qualities... No it's not my ability to send books to people I barely even know and expect nothing in return. Nor is it my ability to go down on a girl for long periods of time without coming up for air. Instead... I'm talking about my ability to digest multiple drugs in one day and live to tell about it.

So here's what I did. Last weekend I got some friends together (Meaning me and my sock puppet Jesus... And my roommate's daughter's friend) and decided to do the following:

1.) I would take the drug.

2.) When I could feel it kick in, I would have them start up my tape recorder and document the events that went down.

I have transcribed the tapes for you all, and would like to present the effects that drugs have on the common 22-year old sexually frustrated genius.

Ahem... I realize only part of that is true.

I'm nearly 23 now. HAH!

Also, the identity of my friend will be kept a secret, just because I don't care if I get thrown in jail or not (To be honest, the free room and board would be friggin' sweet), but I don't want to get them in trouble.

Anyway:

Marijuana (Or Weed, pot, cannibis, reefer, ganja, or Fluffy Green Wookie Melter):

(This occurred after doing five bong hits and two pipe hits, for those of you wondering the amount of drugs used in these experiments)

Friend: How do you feel, Steve?

Steve: Hmm.

Friend: How do you feel?

Steve: I feel hmm.

(long pause)

Steve: That's a feeling, right?

Friend: I don't know. I guess it could be-

Steve: *starts snoring*

Friend: Steve....

Steve: *snore*

Friend: STEVE!

Steve: Ah! What?!?! What's going on?

Friend: You passed out.

Steve: I did?

Friend: Yeah.

Steve: Oh... sorry...

Friend: Do you have anything to say?

Steve: Huh?

Friend: Do you have anything to say? We're recording this.

Steve: We are?

Friend: Yeah, you asked me to.

(longer pause)

Steve: Hmm.

---

Alcohol:

For this experiment, a fifth of Jack Daniels was imbibed. It should also be noted that I rarely drink. This fifth of Jack was the most I've had to drink in about six months... Let's see how it affected me:

Friend: We're rolling.

Steve: You may be rolling, but I'm fuckin' drunk! *laughs*

Friend: That wasn't funny.

Steve: I know. But goddammit, I'm trying. And my brain not work good right now, bitch.

Friend: Tell us how you feel.

Steve: Kind of squishy. I should work out more.

Friend: Umm-

Steve: Although I've got some muscle. Feel my arm-

*offers arm for squeezing*

Friend: That's... Yeah... You've got some muscle.

Steve: You're damn straight I've got some muscle. I could pick up this couch.

Friend: Don't...

Steve: In fact... I could pick up that fuckin' television, and throw it in the goddamn street!

Friend: That's Mark's T.V. I wouldn't do-

Steve: Where's this thing unplug at?

Friend: Sit down, Steve.

Steve: Fuck that! This bitch is flying! NOW!

Friend: Steve!

I think it was around this time that I attempted to the pick up the television. All that can't be heard is some straining, followed by a loud crash, and a small groan. A few seconds later:

Steve: Whothefuck did that? Mothe.... Motherfucker...

---

Shrooooooooommmmssss:

I took half of an eighth. For those of you who don't know what an eighth is... You suck at fractions then. And I pity you.

Friend: Okay... Tape's rolling.

Steve: *giggles*

Friend: How do you feel?

Steve: I... hehehehe...

Friend: Steve?

Steve: I... can't feel a thing. hehehehehehehehehehe

Friend: Well, that's-

Steve: Am I flying?

Friend: Uhh... what?

Steve: Am I flying? I could swear I'm flying right now.

Friend: You aren't.

Steve: I feel so free.

Friend: That's good.

Steve: I just... Wait..

Friend: What?

Steve: I thought I was supposed to be seeing shit.

Friend: I... uhh... Some people-

Steve: Where are the fucking elves?

Friend: Elves?

Steve: The guy who sold me this shit promised me elves, and leprechauns, and hobbits, and a unicorn! Where's my fucking unicorn?!?!?

Friend: Steve...

Steve: I want my unicorn! Hand me the other eighth!

Friend: I think you should just take it easy-

At this point I grabbed the bag and ate the rest of the shrooms. I should note that shrooms taste like rice cakes dipped in burnt tire, if you could imagine that. I should also note that I got the taste out of my mouth with Orange Juice.

Anybody who knows drugs knows where this is going.

Me forty minutes later: LEPRECHAUNS! THE FLOOR'S GONE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

---

Ecstasy:

Everybody knows what X is. I don't think I need to introduce this any further.

Friend: Okay, Steve. We're rolling.

Steve: Heh....

(long pause as I watch my friend eat)

Steve: You seem to be enjoying that bagel. I mean... You're really getting into it. And I can understand, bagels are great. I'd be into it if I were that bagel too. Your lips wrapped around me, tongue brushing against my rough edges-

Friend: Uh-

Steve: You can bite me, it's okay. I won't complain. I'm a bagel.

Friend: Steve-

Steve: You lick your lips like you know I taste good. I do taste good. Enjoy me. I'm a tastey bagel.

Friend: Steve-

Steve: Go ahead. You earned that bagel. You enjoy it as much as you-

Friend: It's a fucking apple, Steve! Stop it!

(long pause)

Steve: Oh...

(longer pause)

Steve: Can I touch you? Just a little. Not in a weird way. I just want to feel you-

Friend: No.

(even longer pause)

Steve: I'll just feel the couch.

Friend: You do that.

Steve: Enjoy your bagel.

The next two hours were spent dry humping the couch to techno music.

Well, I think that about wraps things up for me, guys. But I'd like to leave you with a word of advice:

All of the drugs I took for this entry are illegal (Except for the alcohol). If used in moderation, they can be fun, just like suffocating yourself with a belt while you jerk off.

But these drugs can be very dangerous is not used properly (Except for the pot). So if you're going to take these drugs, I recommend you take extra cautions when doing so. Be around friends you can trust, as well as people who have done the drugs before, that way if anything goes wrong, you'll have people who know what to do around you.

Besides... You don't need to be high to hump a couch and eat a bagel (Or vice versa).