Before I get into my update, I thought I'd post one of these little thingies, just as a reminder to all of you ladies out there why you should be fucking me instead of other people.

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	to die for
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	awakening my heart
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Booyah.

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I was struggling to come up with a topic, so I went back over my older entries to see if I couldn't possibly rip myself off.

I noticed that I used to bitch about Indiana drivers all of the time. I always went on and on and on and on about how most people drove like they were steering with their genitalia.

Then I moved to L.A. And boy was I in for a shock.

Indiana drivers are bad. But L.A. drivers are SPECTACULARLY BAD! We're talking.... a pack of retards at a carnival playing bumper cars bad. And I don't mean to use politically incorrect terms like that. I didn't really mean to say carnival, what I meant to say was "Travelling Amusement Center." Sorry about that.

So, as a new arrival to this lovely city, and as a concerned citizen (I'm legal now, just got my driver's license in the mail today... oddly enough it came with a vial of crack as well), I figured it was my duty to present to you:

PROPER DRIVING ETIQUETTE FOR LOS ANGELES DRIVERS! (insert echo effect here)

Okay... so... I'm just going to give you a couple of quick examples of how to improve your driving abilities (Please note that these rules are strictly for citizens of Los Angeles... anybody outside of Los Angeles using these tips will be prosecuted to the furthest extent of the law, and will also be susceptible to a very bad, naughty spanking). I've broken this down into a list of ten. I hope you enjoy it.

1.) When driving on the furthest left lane (The one that isn't the carpool lane), it is usually all right to go a little faster than the posted speed limit. The cops don't mind at all. In fact, if you're not going at least five mph over the speed limit, they are very likely to shoot you.

2.) If a wheel suddenly flies off of your car while driving down the highway, the best thing to do is to suddenly jerk your wheel to whichever side the wheel came off of, causing your car to do barrel rolls and flips across the lanes. Granted, this doesn't make it any safer for you or the people in the other lanes, but for those of us who are far back enough, it'd look really fucking cool.

3.) Bumper stickers are not clever or funny. Ever. All they do is just make your bumper all gummy, so that when you hit a stray animal, not only do you get the underside of your car bloody and icky, but you also get to drag the corpse for a few miles before the adhesiveness of the glue wears off. Is "Honk if you're horny" really worth all of that? I think not.

4.) In case a car in front of you suddenly slams on the brakes, just remember the four S's: Slam on your brakes, Scream really loud, Shit your pants, and Close your eyes. Wait... four... no... three... three S's, on C... The... S's and C's.. or.. C... the... fuck it.

5.) Although not posted anywhere, here are the true meanings of traffic lights: Green means go, Yellow means go faster, Red means you can still make it if you try hard enough. Pedestrian crossing signs with blinking lights don't mean shit, and if anything are just another distraction on the road. I say get rid of them and go back to the good old days where if people wanted to cross the street, they had to be quick and have some fucking balls.

6.) If a concerned motorist informs you that your right turn signal is still blinking, or that your gas tank is open, or that you a dragging a small woodland creature by your bumper, be sure to thank them properly. This means no foul language or rude hand gestures, or making suggestions to them about what their mother can do with a parking cone. Also, pulling a gun on them is never acceptible (Unless it's during rush hour when everybody should just mind their own fucking business anyway and DRIVEEEEE).

7.) Don't ever get your car checked for smog control. This is a ploy by the government to track our driving schedules, so they can sell the data to large corporations, who will then take that data to another large corporation, who will take that data and magically change them into chicken McNuggets. And that's where babies come from.

8.) I've been drinking.

9.) Giving oral sex to your partner while they drive, or "Road Head" as it is known, is illegal in most states. Not in California though. It's mandatory. Any volunteers?

And finally... I mentioned pedestrians before... I might as well mention them again.

10.) Passengers always have the right of way.

Unless there are no witnesses.

In which case... go for it.

Note: The irony was not lost on me that this update was made at 4:20... If anything, it'll seem even more ironic if my next update is at 4:20 as well.