I know what you're thinking.

"I like pie."

Well so do I, but that's not what I meant. What I meant was, "What the hell is up with all of the multiple updates today?!?!?" Let's just say I had some down-time at work today, and a perfectly good broadband connection that I didn't want to waste.

You could also say that I'm making up for lost time, and you would probably be right there too, if you weren't a stupid stupid-head who wears stupid-pants... But you are. So you're not.

I realized that my last actually entry wasn't the ballsy, witty type of update you (My dear readers) have grown to expect from Fucktitles. So I thought it would be my duty to try and kick things into gear with an entry that deals with a topic not commonly discussed. And sense you all seem to dig the sexual stuff, I figured what better way to kick this off than with a topic about:

The Dreaded "M" Word!

And no, this does not mean "monosyllabism." Though that... not... be... good... too.

I'm of course talking about masturbation. Masturbation is seen in two ways in this country:

a.) As a dirty, discussing act that only immoral people use to satisfy their base impulses, as well as a means to stain perfectly good socks, towels, rugs, and household pets.

Other people see it as:

b.) A safe and easy way to release those pent up sexual impulses. And also as a means to ruin perfectly good socks, towels, rugs, household pets, and the occasional foreign diplomat.

Now, I think it's long overdue that somebody talked frankly about this subject in an open discussion-type forum, and that somebody is me. I'm going to pander to the religious-right here for a second with a brief rant:

If masturbation is a sin, then why did God equip you with the parts that feel good when you touch them, and the hands to touch them with? Oh, I know you could say that God also tempted Adam with the apple tree in that garden with the snake and the carefully placed fig leaves as to avoid any "wardrobe malfunctions," but come on! He ate an apple and fucked things up! He wasn't jerking off! And you know he was doing it! Hell! There weren't any women in Eden for a long time! You know he must've been whacking it at least five times a day! And you know why the Bible never mentions this? Because it was no big deal. God understood.

Anyway... back to the topic at hand (Pun intended), masturbation is something people use to satisfy themselves. Some people aren't comfortable in having a sexual relationship with another partner, and so masturbation gives them all the comfort they need. And these people are called women.

Men, on the other hand (See? I keep punning it up in here today... somebody stop me!), treat masturbation as just a means to the end. Men only resort to masturbation if they cannot put their penis inside of a mouth, vagina, or (Depending on your sexual preference or the willingness of your girlfriend) anus.

Nowadays, masturbation is treated with such a furtitive scoff that I can't help but feel it is underappreciated. I know the act can grow boring after a while... OH trust me I know. I mean, when you've done it couple of thousand times, it starts to lose it's meaning. It just becomes another daily task, like brushing your teeth or... breathing. Pretty soon, you can drop your pants and pop one off in the middle of a supermarket, and do it so quickly that nobody would notice. In fact, it almost gets to the point where you're doing and you don't even notice, and-

Oh..

(pulls his pants back up)

Anyway... The rest of this entry is dedicated to giving you some suggestions on how to spice up your self-love life. I will be describing techniques both common and uncommon that will help put the pizzazz back into things.

I have split this list off into two seperate groups:

Women

The Thanksgiving Turkey: Don't worry ladies, this doesn't involve sticking any poultry into your holiest of holies. It's actually a gesture that you can use with your hand that could possible help you attain greater and longer-lasting orgasms. The technique is simple. Simply stick three fingers inside of your self, twist your hand, and then pull your hand out. Almost like you're gutting a Thanksgiving turkey. Although, if you do end up pulling something out that resembles something you would pull out of a turkey, I'd put it into a tupperware container and find the nearest medical facility.

The Bowling Ball: You may groan at this, ladies, but I've heard many women who have tried this and have raved about it endlessly, in between the screams of pleasure. Take your index finger and insert it into your vagina. Then using your pinky finger (Or your ring finger, whichever is more comfortable), slide it into your anus. Then, after greasing down the kitchen floor with cooking oil, grab yourself by the gooch and hurl yourself across the room. When you make contact with the refrigerator, the sensation should be more fulfilling than getting a spare on a 7-10 split. Unless the refrigerator falls on you. Then it would just fucking suck.

The Bunjee-Cord Bannister Slide This one takes a little more preparation, but the results are worth it, trust me. Take a metal band and attach a dildo to the end of the bannister on a stairwell. The dildo should be pointing up the bannister. Now take a bunjee cord and attach it to yourself, tethering it off onto a solid object on the other end, such as a heavy table, door knob, or sleeping roommate. Measure the length correctly because what you want to happen is this: You slide down the bannister on your back, legs spread, forcing yourself down onto the dildo, then let the bunjee cord pull you back to the top of the stairs. Repeat until climax is reached.

Unfortunately, this one will only work for those of you in private residences with more than one story. I wouldn't reccommend you try this in an apartment complex, seeing how your neighbors might be inclined to call the police. Also, lubing up the bannister might not be a bad idea either, just remember to clean it off when you're done. It'd be really hard to explain how grandma broke her hip falling down the stairs because she slipped on a mixture of bodily fluids and KY Jelly.

Well that covers women, now on to:

Men

"The Stranger" Modified: Many men already know about this technique. It's where you sit on your hand until it goes numb, and then use it to masturbate with. Supposedly it "feels like somebody else." The problem is the time it takes to get the blood out of your hand to make it numb. It's a constant game of give and take as you try to maintain your erection, and trying to get your hand numb at the same time. Well, I'm here to offer you an alternate solution. Go to a pharmacy and buy one of those blood pressure cuffs. I'm pretty sure you can pick those up anywhere, and they're pretty cheap.

Now take it home, put on your favorite dirty film (Mine happens to be "Grumpy Old Men" but for reasons I don't feel like sharing), attach the blood pressure cuff to your wrist, work up your erection, and then once you're hard, pump the cuff up as fast as you can. Slowly you'll feel your hand go numb, and it'll be time to go to town. Try to avoid those electronic pressure cuffs, since they have an automatic release built in. And for god's sake, don't use the one in the store.

Also, if your hand turns red or purple, it's fine. That's going to happen with blood loss. If it turns blue, you should probably start to worry. If it turns green, cut the cuff off of your hand immediately! I don't care what it takes; Scissors, knife, chainsaw! Get it off! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOUR HAND IS ABOUT TO FALL OFF!

Speaking of which, another modified version of "The Stranger" is commonly practiced by necrophiliacs. They cut the hand off of a corpse and... Well... I don't think I need to say much more than that.

The West-Texan Auto-Erotic Bigot Asphyxiation: Everybody has heard stories of teenagers hanging themselves with their belts by their doorknobs, cutting off their air supply ("I'm all outta' love... I'm so lost without you....") to achieve greater sexual stimulation while masturbating. The reason we've heard about this is that they usually end up hanging themselves.

But for those of you who have tried it and not felt it was intense enough, you might want to listen to this method closely. The way it works is simple: Tie a rope around your neck, tie the other end to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, and then let 'er go! You of course need a friend to be driving the truck. Try to pick a friend you know can keep secrets. Like the one you helped hide that hooker's corpse with. He's reliable.

And lastly:

The Pickle-in-the-Ass-While-Being-Sucked-Off-By-A-Shop-Vac Method: This one is pretty self-explanatory. I found out about it after my grandfather gave our entire family a demonstration at my aunt's wedding. Suffice to say, none of us are able to hear the song "The Humpty Dance" without cringing.

So that about wraps things up for me. You might be wondering what sparked me to write about such a taboo subject (Or at least one that isn't discussed often). And the answer is simple:

I'm fucking lonely out here! California is a big place, sure. And there are a lot of women out here, sure! But I'm working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. Suffice to say, I've been masturbating a LOT!

So ladies, if want to help a poor soul out, send pictures of yourselves trying out any of the methods I discussed above. Or hell, I don't care! The guys too! I need something! Regular porn has lost it's edge! It's all fake! FAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKEEE!!!!!!!! I-

Note: Steve was suddenly dragged away from the computer while writing this. The two men, rumored to be henchman from Larry Flynt Publishing, beat Steve with large pointy sticks until he admitted that their "Barely Legal" series was the hottest damn thing he has ever seen.

You don't fuck with the Flynt. Ya' hear?