I told a friend of mine to go fuck himself the other day. His quick, witty response was to bend me over right there on the street and fuck me in the ass. When I told him that I told him to go fuck himself not me, he responded by saying he was dyslexic and commonly makes the same mistake on a regular basis. About an hour into our sweet sweet love-making session, I realized that I had been duped. What was once just an act of harmless homoerotic public sex had turned into full-fledged anal rape.

That's when it occured to me that deep down, I had my own secret little fetish. I like to be taken advantage of. All of my failed relationships suddenly made sense to me in that one glorious, ass-pounding afternoon. And it was odd that this thought came across my mind. It wasn't the first time that week I had thought about sexual fetishes, nor was it the first time I had been sodomized (What can I say? I'm a different person when the circus rolls into town).

Everybody has their own secret little fetish that they are afraid people might find out. A lady friend of mine and I were discussing the BBW fetish, or big boned woman fetish. She marveled at how amazing it was that somebody could want to have sex with somebody that large.

"How do they even know they're in the right... spot? For all they know, they could just be sticking it in a fold of fat..."

I just smiled and shook my head.

"Honey, you have much to learn about men. You see... most men DON'T CARE!

"Men are not that complex when it comes to sexual gratification. They require two things: Moisture and friction. And either one of those are usually optional.

"Why do you think so many people though it was funny when the guy had sex with the pie in that one movie about people having sex with pies? Because they either a.) Had heard about somebody who tried it b.) Knew somebody who had tried it c.) Witnessed somebody trying it firsthand or d.) Tried it themself. I'm sure there were guys who saw that movie that had gotten as far as buying the ingredients for the pie, but then said 'Screw it!' and humped the can of cherry filling instead. You'd be surprised what a man is willing to stick his dick inside of if he's desperate enough."

All of this is just a long-winded way of getting to the meat of the entry. I'd like to discuss some of the lesser-known, lesser-discussed sexual fetishes that are out there. So strap on your nipple clamps and grease up the midget, because here we go:

The Russian Pogo-Stick Fetish

One of the rarest form of fetish out there today, this fetish entails that the participant strips down completely, covers their body with cooking oil, and then proceeds to jump on a pogo-stick until they reach climax. This is a very dangerous fetish, however, and usually ends with bumps, bruises, scrapes, lost teeth, and mild concussions. I'm sure we all remember that large convention of Pogo-Stick Fetishists in Krakow that ended in the bizarre helicopter accident.

The Gerbil-Punting Fetish

This is a fetish most commonly found in European suburbs. The idea is that two people stand thirty yards from each other. One person drop kicks a gerbil while the other one tries to catch it in their pants. This fetish is dangerous just for the fact that if the gerbil, still conscious let alone breathing, is quite riled once it lands inside of the pants. Of course, this only heightens the sensation, although it is recommended that you receive a full round of anti-biotic shots before playing. And never use the same gerbil on two people. Safe sex, people.

South African Hippo-Humping Fetish

This one is pretty much self-explanatory. The only catch is that the hippo must be submerged fully in the water before you are allowed to jump onto it's back and start humping it like there is no tomorrow. It's also recommended that you wear a helmet while doing this.

The Struck-By-Lightning-And-Now-I-Have-Super-Powers Fetish

This fetish is rare due to the fact that those few who have been hit by lightning and have survived very rarely gain any super-powers from the experience. If you are looking for a larger fetish group to join, I would recommend the "Struck-By-Lightning-And-Soiled-Themselves Fetish." Although, I do have to admit, the super-power conventions can get really crazy. Especially when Franz Liebern from Germany starts levitating shit with his mind.

And lastly,

The I've-Just-Been-Mugged-By-A-Midget-Biker-Gang Fetish

Again, this one is very self-explanatory. Joining up with this fetish group isn't easy, but when it happens it's very swift. Although I would advise you to avoid larger midget biker gangs, just because they can be deadly in a large number (Those little feet really dig in). If you are hard-pressed on seeing this fetish through, I suggest you hang out in midget locales, whether it's around a circus, or outside of a chocolate factory.

And speaking of the circus, I have to run. They're about to send in the clowns, if you know what I mean.