Time for Steve-O to go off on religion. So grab your Rosary and pray to whatever God you pray to for my soul. Because I'm going to need all of the prayers I can get after this one...

Can somebody explain to me why Easter is a religious holiday. Okay... I know the Biblical implications, but in a whole, what two things are thought of when somebody mentions Easter? Chocolate eggs and a bunny rabbit with a Santa Claus complex.

Where in the hell does it talk about giant gift-bringing bunny rabbits and chocolate eggs in the Bible?

I know, I know. The Pagans twisted it from it's original form and blah blah blah. Damn Pagans... with their Easter Bunnies, and their Halloween, and their Christmas.

Fuck it. Life's too short, and I like Cadbury Eggs, goddammit. So viva la Grande Bunny Easter!

Moving along... Here's a few questions I had about religion, maybe some of you religious people can answer for me?

1.) Adam and Eve had babies. Those babies grew up and had other babies. But who did they have babies with? There wasn't anybody else, so the only option was procreation within the family. So is the Bible basically telling us that we are all products of incest?

2.) And on the seventh day, God rested... This always confused me... If God was all-being, all-knowing, all-powerful... Why did he need a break? I mean... It's kind of freaky to think of God needing a nap every once in a while. Granted, I need a nap every once in a while, but I'm just a human being, not an omnipotent spirit. Why does God need a nap?

3.) So much faith is put in the Bible, but... Isn't the Bible written by man? Isn't it just a group of guys saying that God said and did such and such?

4.) A friend of mine was offended by me calling God "An invisible man who lives in the sky and has magical powers." Okay... I offended you. Sorry. But am I wrong? Have you ever seen God? No? Must be invisible then. When people refer to Heaven they look or point up at the sky. Heaven is the home of God, right? So he must live in the sky. And as for magical powers.... Well... Miracles are essentially magic aren't they? Their definitions in the dictionary are mighty damn close.

5.) Does anybody else think "The Passion" would've been better if it had ended with a musical number where Jesus floats off to heaven on a sparkle-filled space ship and Caiphas learns the true meaning of Christmas and his heart grows three sizes larger than it used to be and he gives all of the toys back to the little Jewish boys and girls in Jerusalem?

Listen... I'm not trying to poo on anybody's religion here. I really have no problems with anybody's religion. Sure I badmouth it every once in a while, but it's purely in jest, but it's also to get people to think. I like to think of myself as a thinking person, and the concept of blind faith just boggles my mind. Maybe it's because of the corruption within the church system. Maybe it's because churches take in $60 billion, pay no taxes, and still need our money. How much of that actually goes back to the people?

All I'm saying is... There's a reason we can think for ourselves. And religion tries to take that away from us. They try to tell us how to live our lives.

And whenever I talk about this, people always counter with, "If you don't believe in God, you'll go to Hell." Well... If I don't believe in God, what makes you think I believe in Hell?

This is usually countered with, "Well, aren't you worried about what happens to you when you die?" And my answer is simply this:

No. I'm too busy trying to enjoy my life, trying to make the best out of it. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. Now by religious standards, I'm not a very moral person. I drink, I smoke, I cuss, I have sex with farm animals (Not really on that last one). But I do try to be kind and courteous to people. I open doors for people at the supermarket. I donate to charities (Non-religious ones, like the United Negro College Fund). I treat people with respect. At least, I treat the people who treat me with respect. Shoving religion into my face and going, "Are you blind?!!?? Can't you see how right it is?!!?!?" isn't being respectful of me. It's an invasion of my rights, it's an invasion of my privacy, and it's an invasion of my life.

And before you explain that you really don't do that, or at least your faction doesn't do that, I have a pile of mini-gospel/Bible books in my drawer, handed out from religious fuckheads who think they know how I should live my life better than I do. And I have one for every ridiculous faction (Although, I do have to admit, the Mormon one did crack me up).

Actually, to be honest... the only mini-Bible I didn't get was the Buddhist mini-Bible. I know they are out there somewhere, but not too many Buddhists came to see "The Passion" this weekend.

So I say, fuck 'em all. And let's say I do die, and I go up to Heaven, and he says, "So you didn't believe in me?"

And I'd look at God evenly and say, "God, I have two points I want to make before you pass judgement on me. But first, I want to say that's a very nice robe you're wearing.

"Now, I know you're not a big fan of philosophers. Neitzsche pretty much burned the bridges for us with his whole 'God is dead' quote. But Sam Lefkowitz had a much better quote. 'The only thing I truly know for a sure is that I don't know everything.' To me, religion is like I'm saying, 'I know more than you.' And to be honest, I knew for a fact that I didn't KNOW everything, let alone whether or not you existed."

At this point, I pause for effect, letting God ponder what I have just said. But not too long, since God is all-knowing and all of that.

"The second thing I want to point out is... I was a kind, generous, charitable, good-natured person. And I did it on my own accord. Religious people do it because that is your will. Who's the better person: Somebody who is kind because somebody asks them to be, or somebody who is kind by default?"

Hopefully, God will nod his head and let me through with the other smart cynics who knew this line of questioning would soften up the old S.O.B.

Because beyond that, the only other chance I have is that he's got a great sense of humor, and he's a fan of the site.