I wrote this earlier last week, and I thought I'd share it with you all. It is entitled, "An Open Letter to Most Consumers." I hope you enjoy.

Dear Most Consumers,

I have been working in the customer service and/or retail industry for almost seven years now. It has come to my attention that during the duration of these seven years only one thing has stayed the same: You are fucking assholes.

You stand there with your beady little cocksucker eyes and your little cocksucker half-frowns waiting for us to err just so you can jump all over our asses with a rain of insults and generally disgust at our abilities. To this, I must say, "Go fuck yourselves."

As a whole, most people in a customer service-related job are only working there because we lack the money to receive an education it takes to get a higher-paying job, or we are just plain lazy. The fact still remains that we do not get paid enough to put up with your flagrant bullshit.

If you are at a store or in a restaurant and your server or cashier or whatever makes an error, just point it out to us. Don't be a prick about it, just let us know that we made an error and we will do our best to fix it. If you have encountered multiple errors at the same location, even from the same person (It happens), then ask for a manager. A manager is paid big money to deal with customer complaints, not the schmoe behind the counter. Yelling at the low-wage peon only brings one step closer to committing a mass-homocide. Yes, job-related stress can usually be traced back to one element: The customer.

In closing, we are not your fucking slaves. We get paid minimum wage so we can provide a service to you. If you are not happy with the service, then you are entitled to be upset. But disservice is not an excuse for being a rude dipshit. Rudeness is an inherit disease that has been plaguing our society for a while now, and it's high time we put a stop to it.

So the next time you order your burger plain, or you ask for the black pair of shoes, and you do not receive it, calmly explain to the person that there has been a mistake, and nine times out of ten the mistake will be resolved quickly. Acting like a fuckjar only increases the possibility that we have put thumb tacks in your shoes, or have jacked off onto your hamburger.

You have been warned.

I think what I'm really trying to get at here is... I want a ferret. I've wanted a ferret for a while now, and I think life would be a lot better for me if I had one.

I would name him "Senor Stinkypants" and I would love him, and hug him, and cuddle him to death.

TO DEATH, I SAY! TO DEATHHHHHHH!!!

Anyway, notice how that letter is addressed to "most consumers." This means that not all consumers are dickheads. I believe that these consumers, who are actually fair and understanding, have either worked in a customer service position before and understand the hardships that come with that title, or they have a soul.

Either way, one fact remains the same. Just because you give us your money doesn't mean you fucking own us. We don't even get to keep that money. If I was taking a percentage of the money I made at my job, people could yell and bitch at me all they wanted.... Because I would know that deep down, in the recesses of my heart, I am a better person than them. And I could buy them out in a second, and sell their bodies to black market organ vendors.

And it's thoughts like these that make me happy.