So a new year is upon us. The alcohol in my system was mostly put there in vain. I spent this New Years alone, at home, drinking Jagermeister and Red Bull and Coors Light, trying to forget the past year. Not that everything was bad, there were just some monumentally shitty things that happened.

God Dick Clark still looks like he's 60... even though we all know his real age (Somewhere around 4,305).

Looking back at this year, I can tell where I went wrong. I made the wrong decisions on what I wanted to do with my life. I kept telling myself, "I'll get to the big plan eventually, I'm just taking a little detour for now." I guess it's a good thing that those little detours all fell through, seeing how they could've locked me up and kept me from my long-term goal in the long run.

This night, between my sixth or seventh shot of Jager, I made a few decisions. I'd like to list them out for you all, seeing how I'm sure you're all SOOOOOOOOOO goddamned interested in them.

1.) I'm going to finish school. The only thing that's been holding me back is me. I keep putting it off, and putting it off. But I'm just going to grin and bear it and get the job done. Hell, I'm already seven grand in the hole, might as well get some use out of it.

2.) I'm going to build up my self-confidence. Or at least I'm going to learn to fake it really really well. I am hoping this will aid in my quest to get laid more often. If anything, it'll make me feel better about myself... And who knows? After a while, I may not have to fake it.

3.) No more shitty jobs. I'm tired of them.

Like I'm working at a movie theater I worked at before. They offered me prime hours (And shitty pay) and I took it. And I couldn't be any more miserable with it. I've been working concession a lot which has made two things apparent to me (And as much as I hate doing lists within lists, I'm going to do it anyway):

a.) The reason that Indiana is one of the most obese states in the country is because everybody gets the same food at the movies. A large popcorn with "extra, extra layered butter" and a teeny-tiny diet drink. I've lost ocunt of the number of times I almost reached across the counter and grabbed the customer, shaking them and screaming into their face, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING, FATTY?!?!!?"

b.) Consumers are dicks. In a way this has made me a better person. If I go to a fast food place and they fuck up my order, I just walk back, calmly explain to them what happened, and the problem is solved (And sometimes, the people will go out of their way to do something extra for you... not because they screwed, but just because they are so happy that you didn't yell at them).

Like today... I had a guy who (God forbid) had to wait in line for five minutes. I'm getting stuff in the stand ready while three people run registers.

So this guy starts bitching to the girl at the counter about wanting fresh popcorn. I turned around and calmly explained that there was only a two minute difference between the stuff in the popper and the stuff in the bins, and that the stuff in the bins were hotter. But you see, he justified this by saying, "Well the girl before me got it out of the popper, so I want it out of the popper." I just shook my head and went back to my work. The man behind me scoffed and said, "And don't even get me started on you. You're just standing there doing nothing."

Big... fucking... mistake.

I turned to the gentleman and smiled politely. I said, "You're absolutely right, sir. Because what I'm doing has no importance whatsoever. Oh sure, I'm ensuring that the people who give you your food actually have cups, and lids, and bags, and that their drink machines are working, and that they are completely stocked up so you don't have to wait any longer than possible. But that doesn't matter, does it?"

The man kind of stammered for a bit, unable to answer me at first. Finally he managed to utter, "Well you should be helping the customers instead of messing around with that other stuff."

I shook my head again, turning back to my work.

"HEY! Don't turn away from me! I'm talking to you!"

I slowly turned back, shit-eating grin plastered on my face.

"You have a lot of attitude, you know that? And I don't appreciate that very much. I'm a PAYING CUSTOMER. And I deserve to be served in a TIMELY FASHION. And because of your stupidity, I'm now seven minutes late for my movie."

The smile faded from my face. Fuck this guy. He deserved what he got.

"You're absolutely right, sir. You are a paying customer. And you do deserve to be served in a timely fashion. But you know what? All of those people in front of you are also paying customers. And they showed up first. And as for you being seven minutes late for your movie, ever heard of a thing called previews? Because there's about ten to twenty minutes of previews before each movie. And I'm sorry you had to miss the previews, but if you'd like to know what you missed I can give you a detailed description of each one after the movie is over. And if the movie previews are that important to you, maybe you should show up a little earlier."

The next thing out of that man's mouth almost made me laugh out loud.

"You can't talk to me like that. I'll have your job, dammit!"

I smirked at him.

"Sir, if you really need the extra six dollars an hour, the job is yours. Just keep in mind you have to put up with assholes like yourself all day long."

With that, I walked into the back. I was written up for it, but since the management had heard the entire conversation, they sympathized with me a guess.

This made me think of my dad. He's a cop. Cops take a lot of shit as well. So in a way, we're not different from police officers... except they get to carry guns, which is much more effective then long, drawn-out arguments. The guy would've started bitching about the popcorn, I would've busted out my piece and waved it around a little... end of conversation.

But I digress....

456.) I'm getting the hell out of Indiana. My goal is to be gone by August. I'm going to be moving to California... Los Angeles. Whether or not I have enough money saved up... doesn't matter. I'm gone. I can't take this place anymore. It's a scientific fact that, due to the ever-changing weather conditions and the lack of a proper dental hygenist, most Hoosiers age at a rate faster than the normal human being. In fact, this is true in most of the midwest. Now you may be asking yourself, "If they grow up so fast, why do they still like stupid shit like tractor pulls and cow tipping and.... tractor cow pull tippings?" To which I reply, "There's a big difference between age and maturity."

4697612169.) Lastly... I'm going to try and update more. Hopefully... with this entry being the first of the new year, it will be my gateway into giving you the creamy nougat goodness that was once known as Fucktitles.

Now, if you excuse me... The Red Bull has worn off, the Jager has kicked in, and I got me a cow to attach to a piece of farm equipment. Could be worse though.... I could be fucking the cow.

I'm talking to you, the state of Arkansas. You know what I mean. You dirty dirty pervert.