People often ask me:

"Steve," they ask me, because I don't respond to them when they call me Ryan. "Steve, what's with the sock puppet Jesus?" To which I reply:

"DON'T DISOBEY THE LORD! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL! HELL I TELL YOU! BAD PERSON! I'M TELLING MY DADDY!"

After they run off to call the local authorities, having served it's purpose, I put the sock puppet Jesus away.

Oh... people also ask me what the key to a healthy sex life is.

Well... considering my libido resembles a turtle climbing a staircase, I try to refer them to somebody else. But some people are stubborn, so I have answer them.

"People," I say to them, because for some odd reason they find "Shitstain" offensive. "People, the key to a healthy is trusting your partner. You have to be able to trust that your partner isn't going to hurt you, nor will they hurt your feelings by laughing at your pitifully small cock... just... you know... to cite an example I heard from some guy once. Anyway, the other key is to be completely open. If your girl is going down on you and suddenly slides a finger in your asshole, don't yank her arm away, call her a bitch, trash her parent's living room, kick her cat, then drive off in a huff. Just go with it. If it doesn't feel good after a certain length of time (Two weeks) then you should politely ask her to remove her finger from your anus. Then tell her to smell her finger, and she will know better than to ever stick anything in there again.

The third and final key to a healthy sex life is felching. This is the act where you fuck your partner in the ass, cum in their asshole, then pull your cock or member or whatever out, then suck the cum out of their anus. Trust me... If you are willing to do something like that for your partner, just think what your partner will do for you (Like... the dishes.. or... your taxes).

Now this presents a problem, especially for impotent males and lesbian couples. But don't worry, in this technologically advanced day and age, there are methods to obtain semen. There are mail-order catalogs where you can pick semen out by class, size, and flavor (I recommend the pineapple). Or you can do it the old fashion way and pay a homeless guy five bucks to whack off into a cup. Just make sure he has a copy of an HIV test that is no older than one month. You have to be careful."

It's usually around this time that the person interjects and tells me that they actually asked me for the time.

So thanks to them, I'm now extremely uncomfortable and I feel very awkward. So I whip out Mr. Sock Puppet Jesus, so that he can condemn another soul to hell, and so that I can turn the tables on them.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. With a pickle.

Steve does not actually have a sock puppet Jesus. But if one of his kind readers would like to make him one, they can e-mail him to make arrangements. Steve, in turn, will take pictures of the Jesus harassing people on the street.