Lately, some interesting thoughts have popped into my head, and I'd just like to share them. I'll do about 10 now and save the rest for later. 10... yeah... That's a nice round number...

1.) Why are two of the most feared diseases in this world called AIDS and HIV? I mean... think about it. AIDS almost sounds pleasant. Hell, if you had AIDS before the eighties, that means you had two or three eager little fucks following you around with clipboards, ready to assist your every need. And HIV... Well hell... You have IV in there. IV's are things we hook up to people when they're not feeling well, and the stuff we feed through the IV's makes them feel better. HIV just sounds like a more advanced IV. This is why so many people have AIDS and HIV. If you want people to avoid a disease, you need to give it a really scary disease... like... "Dick-rot disease" or "Shit-Your-Pants-And-Fall-Into-Coma Disease." Now those are some scary diseases.

2.) Speaking of diseases, have you ever thought that if vomiting produced the same feeling as an orgasm, bulimia would quickly rise up and become the number one eating disorder? Think about it. How do we know it doesn't? Maybe we've just been doing it wrong. Maybe the Romans knew something we didn't.

3.) A handicapped parking plate is not an excuse for shitty driving. If anything, it's an added incentive for me driving you off of the fucking road.

4.) Have you ever seen two nuns strip down completely naked, grease themselves up with baby oil, brandish chainsaws, and go at it like a couple of rabid gerbils? Me neither. But that would be really cool. Catholics would reap in profits if they just knew how to sell themselves.

5.) Baby oil, like baby shampoo, is made from actual babies. So is baby food, baby chairs, baby toys, baby milk, and children's aspirin. But don't worry, we aren't using any of OUR babies. These are all purely third-world country babies who were sold to us by their parents so they could afford to feed their other 900 children for a week.

6.) Wine makes everything taste better. Paté, caviar, the flesh of a young Wall Street executive....

7.) When I grow up, I wanna' be able to shoot lasers out of my penis. No particular reason why. There are just some days when life would be a lot better if you could shoot lasers out of your penis.

8.) Sluts, sluts, sluts, sluts, slutty slut sluts, McSluts with cheese, with a side order of chili fries (That one was for you, Ptak).

9.) 90% of most teachers blame lack of education on lack of funding. The other 60% blame "a shitty math department."

10.) In recent news, a man was smoking a cigarette, talking on his cell phone, and eating fire while pumping gas into his car late last Tuesday. No explosions were reported, and the man is in perfect health. And once again, God missed yet another perfect chance. Reports are coming in, however, that a bus carrying KKK members, members of the Aryan brotherhood, fourteen convicted serial-rapist-junkie-strippers, and twelve members of the Republican party will be heading down route I-97 within the next few days. The bus is equipped with no brakes, no airbags, the emergency exit doors are welded shut, and the driver plans to drive very erratically, weaving in and out of traffic at high speeds, especially near areas with steep cliffs or of high altitude. Everybody is rooting that God will do the right thing. If he does fail to carry through with his ethereal task, he will be relieved from his duties and be replaced by Darwin, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and a pissed-off bible-totin' cross-wearin' shit-kickin' hyphenate abusin feminist lesbian with a dog collar and a mowhawk. All in all, it should make for an interesting week. Now, over to Bob with sports...