People always come up to me and ask me two things:

1.) Steve, how do you get your hair so silky and smooth?

2.) What irks you?

Well, to answer one, baby shampoo. Not many people know this, but baby shampoo is made from actual babies. They grind the babies up, and then melt the remains to a gel, which is rich in protein and shit, and keeps your hair shimmering all day long.

As for the second one, I say:

Everything. But lately, white people dancing has been irking me.

I'm a white person and I make it a strict point not to ever dance in public, because I know how stupid I look. Other people, unfortunately, do not know how stupid they look and proceed to flail their bodies about in what could only be described as a manner of movement that is not unlike a mentally challenged ten year old trying to win a marathon.

White people cannot dance. If you've ever watched Def Comedy Jam, you will know this for a fact. Some people see it as a form of racism, a barely concealed brush of hate brought on by people of different ethnic backgrounds because they feel mistreated by Caucasians.

Well, I hate to be the one to finally say it, but they are right. We do look stupid when we dance. Some of us have some pretty good moves, but for the most party, we look like a bunch of cerebral palsy patients with itches that urgently need to be scratched.

So what can white people do to correct their dancing handicaps? Take dancing lessons? Watch more MTV?

How the fuck should I know? The only reason I posted this was in the hopes of pissing off overly-sensitive people who are sympathetic to the mentally disturbed. I like to thumb my nose at the officious little pricks who think that the world needs to be PC. You know... the world wasn't always politically correct, and it was an okay place then.

Nowadays, you can even call a friend a "retard" in public without having a group of people scowl at you and scold you for being so insensitive. This is how a typical scolding goes:

Officious Prick: You shouldn't call him that.

Me: Why not?

O.P.: Because it's rude and it's insensitive.

Me: Why?

O.P.: Because it is!

Me: But he's not actually retarded. Granted, the slack jaw, excessive drooling, and dull look in his eyes might be misleading, but my friend's IQ is slightly higher than a hubcap, therefore he doesn't qualify for handicapped parking, therefore he's not really handicapped.

O.P.: Well, it's still not right.

Me: Why? Are you going to lose sleep over it? Are you going to stay up all night thinking to yourself, "What are we going to do? There are still people out there saying 'retard' and 'fag' and 'cock-slamming-gerbil-stuffing-monkey-fucker." If so... well... you have more important things to worry about than what I call my friend.

O.P.: I think you're a rude rude man.

Me: It's okay. I think you're retarded.

So in closing, what can we do about this? Well, we should start naming our kids Un-Politically Correct names. That way, we slowly introduce them into society as things that are okay to say. And pretty soon, we'll have celebrities going around naming their kids shocking and offensive words. It'll be beautiful. You'll be able to speak freely again.

My whole point is this: The words shouldn't matter, the motives behind the words should. If I called my friend a "fag" in private, it doesn't mean that my friend is going to jump on the phone and immediately call G.L.A.D.D. (The Gay and Lesbian Association of Doctors and Dentists.... wait.... no... that's not right... The other "glad" thing....). But if two men were beating and murdering a homosexual... say Matthew Shepard... and they were calling him "fag" then that's a little different isn't it?

Besides, I think it'd be cool if celebrities named their kids after things that aren't necessarily P.C.

Retard Depardieu has a nice ring to it.