Oh we thought we got off easy, didn't we Indiana? We thought that we were indestructible.

One minute, we're living in a luxury of a relatively light winter (A few random snows here and there, nothing harsh). Yes, Mother Nature lured us into her seductive handjob. Stroking us softly, cooing us into a false sense of security. And as we neared orgasm, what did Mother Nature do?

She fucked us up the ass with a spiked strap on, while dripping hot wax on our nipples.

For those of you who live in Indiana (Or it's surrounding states), you know that I am talking about the sudden ejaculation of snow that just hit our fine state this weekend.

It started Friday night. Around 10pm it started to snow heavily. And it kept getting heavier and heavier. I ended up getting home around 3am, and the snow just kept going.

In reality, we only got about 6 inches (Which is more than I can say for myself), but the thing that sucked was: THEY DIDN'T PLOW THE FUCKING ROADS UNTIL MONDAY! Couple that with the fact that we were getting snow drifts as high as five feet, and we were, to borrow a quote from a Coen Brothers movie that doesn't exactly fit in this type of situation but sounds right, "Logjammin." For those of us who had places to go (i.e. Work, visiting friends, devil worshipping seminar), we were shit outta' luck. Unless you had a four wheel drive, or the ability to hover three feet off of the ground, you weren't going anywhere.

I drive a little shitty Honda Accord. Front wheel drive. It's not a bad little car, but it was not built to handle such extreme road conditions. But you know what? I drove around anyway. Because I had people to do and places to see.

And surprisingly I only got stuck in a ditch once. This was at 5am the day before I had to take a math test at 9am, so suffice to say, I was shitty. But luckily my dad has a four wheel drive vehicle, and we got me out of the ditch, no problem.

Which leads me to the meat of this entry. From time to time, we here at Fucktitles like to serve our community, and share our wisdom with us. Lucky for us, this also counts as part of the 45 hours of community service we have to complete.

So let's not waste any time here and get on with it:

Ways to Drive Safely In Shitty Road Conditions (Indiana Drivers Please Pay Special Attention Here):

Talking on cell phone + Eating + Masturbating + Snow + Driving = 40 car pile up.

True story. My friend was trying to do all three (Minus the masturbation part, I just added that in for some spice) and low and behold: The fucker ended up wrapping his car around a tree.

This is why retarded people should not have licenses.

Don't pick up psychotic hitch hikers:

You might be asking yourself "Steve, how can we discern a sane hitcher from a psychotic one?" To which I would reply, "Your name is Steve too?"

Seriously though, look for the warning signs. This includes: Nodding uncontrollably, talking to himself, frothing at the mouth, speaking Latin phrases backwards, and threatening you with a straight razor until you turn the car around and take him to Mexico.

NO HEADBANGING WHILE YOU DRIVE!

I don't care if they did it in "Wayne's World" or not! They had stunt drivers! You don't! Stop it!

You know what? To save time (Since I be a lazy mofo), just drive carefully. I'm tired of swerving around people as they slide across the highway like some retarded version of "Disney on Ice."

If it's snowy out and there's a lot of snow on the road still, only go about 25-30 MPH. If there is snow on the ground and a nice layer of ice underneath it, only go 10-20 MPH. If there are two slabs of ice with a creamy nougat center of snow which is about 6 feet in height, get out of your car and walk.

Just don't take rides from any strangers. Especially that Mother Nature. She'll give you all kinds of trouble. And a sore anal cavity to boot.