I got this e-mail the other day. I thought I'd bring it to your attention:

"INCREASE YOUR BREAST SIZE NOW! ALL NATURAL! 100% PROVEN EFFECTIVE!"

Wait! No no no no... That wasn't it. Fucking spam mail.

Okay, here it is.

"steve, you seem like a pretty smart fellow. you also seem to have some luck with women. I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I'm a lonely 16 year old who lives in Texas, and I'm desperately in need of a girlfriend. I really hope you can help me. I've given up all hope of ever finding one. Please tell me I'm wrong. I can't live the rest of my life alone.

-josh"

Well Josh... I guess the first thing I would say is... WHAT ARE YOU ON!?!?!? Do you even read my website? All I do is bitch about how I can't find a girlfriend (When I'm not bitching about the government, or Indiana drivers, or midgets, etc.).

But I sympathize with you, man. I really do. I know how hard it is to wake up every day and not having somebody waiting for you. It almost makes you wonder what you're waking up for, right?

Well, while I'm not the best judge of the wily ways of women, I guess I could impart a little of my experience onto you, in the hopes that you have better luck than me.

First of all, NEVER tell a girl that you love her right off the bat. Love is a very strong word, and more than likely, it's going to overwhelm somebody who isn’t expecting it. They won't know how to react. And it will end up queering your relationship/friendship. So even if you love somebody with all of your heart and you know deep down inside that this person loves you too, keep it inside for now. As much as it hurts, it’s always best to just hold off. No matter how right the words feel. I’ve found that the best time to say these words is approximately two months after you have been married.

Secondly, while we’re on the subject of first impressions, do NOT drive your car into a fucking ditch. I know I always bitch about Indiana drivers, and how they have no right to be operating motor vehicles, let alone breathing. Well… I screwed up too. I was with a friend the other day (It was a girl), and we were driving along. There was about 3 inches of snow on the ground, and I wasn’t going that fast, but unfortunately in snow that doesn’t count. I had to make this sharp turn, and the wheel turned fine. The rest of the car, on the other hand, decided that it wanted to play in the snow for a while.

So we end up sliding off of the road towards a 3 foot drop that would land us in a ditch. Being the consummate professional driver, I carefully placed the car in neutral, turned the wheel the opposite direction, started tapping the brakes, and screaming at the top of my lungs in an octave that can only be achieved by taking a wrecking ball straight to the gonads. Well, the car stopped inches short of the drop and we both sighed in relief. I looked over at her and winked all cool and shit. I just hoped she didn’t notice the line of piss that was streaming down my leg.

This is running long here, so I’m going to cut it short and just skip to the last item.

Be yourself. The best thing you can do is be yourself. If a girl is attracted to you because of whom you are as a human being, then you’ll have a healthy relationship. Because one of the things that will kill a relationship instantly is dishonesty. The last girlfriend I had… well… I wasn’t honest with her. I spent the whole time trying to be something I wasn’t, and it drove me nuts. After a while I just gave up and started acting like myself. And I’m single now. It was a little more complicated than that, but I’m just saying: Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You don’t have to put on an act just to make people happy. Just be yourself, because that’s the best person you can be.

Unless you’re an asshole. In which case, I would recommend acting classes.

Good luck, Josh. I hope your quest to find a true love is an easy one. You may get lucky and meet a great girl along the way. Somebody who is quirky and funny, and aloof. Somebody who is beautiful, but not vain. Somebody who doesn’t like sugar or cream in their coffee, but won’t think twice before putting salt in your coffee when you’re in the bathroom and just sit there and let you drink it and you end up getting a big mouthful of Folgers Dead Sea blend and you start gagging and coughing and you try to motion the waiter over for help, but he’s too busy serving fajitas to the party of six behind you to notice that your goddamn face is turning blue and the world is slowly losing it’s light and you can’t breath and the-

Sorry… Got off on a rant there. But don’t be let down if it isn’t easy. And don’t give up. No matter how shitty it might get, there’s also something worse out there.

And if that doesn’t work, you can always try increasing your breast size. I’ll forward you the e-mail, just in case.

---

Well... I guess I'll just go ahead and tack these on, since I thought they were funny. My friend sent me a link to a whole bunch of dirty self-quizzes... so I took a few. Here's the two that stood out for me:

Your Sex Sign is Cancer!

You're a total pleaser.
One sample of your touch, and anyone is hooked.
You're so good that you've gotten people off just with your incredible kissing.
You're a bit of a romantic, and you only have sex that's meaningful.


What's *Your* Sex Sign?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Ohhh... bet you wish you were fucking me right now, don't you? Uhh huhhh.... That's right. And of course, there's this one:

Somehow I didn't find this too surprising. I always saw myself acting in a lesbian porno flick.

I would probably be billed as "Waiter #2" though.

Oh well.